It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
