Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
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He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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