Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
