That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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