Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
