She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
