i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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