So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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