I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
