I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
