My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
