you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
