im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
