Nicole vs. Life
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
