I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
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the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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