Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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