before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
