I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize