The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
