How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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