I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
