i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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