So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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