Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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