last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
