Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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