barbara walters just said penis...
Is it because I queefed?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
