I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Randomize
