I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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