yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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