one two three fourrrrnication!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
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I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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