this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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