Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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