I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
