Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
