I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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