is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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