i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
