New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
