After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
did i walk over a car last night?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize