winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
