Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
