Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
