I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
