that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
