mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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