Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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