I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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