When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
