you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
