You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
