nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
