The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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