Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
