I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
